Psalm 139:13&14
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
This verse has come to my mind very often in the last six months. I'll ponder it and wonder about its truth...
About this time last year I was expecting our second baby. Nesting instincts were starting and I was keeping busy with a toddler and my endless "to-do" list - things to do with toddler before he has to share mommy's attention, things to clean, things to do with my time before I doubled my charge. We went to ultra sounds and talked about baby names and did all of the exciting things that come with growing a family.
In July (2015), we welcomed our dear youngest baby boy! He was adored. He was celebrated. We love him more than words can say. He was born with a couple of skin tags beside his ear and a white bump on his eye. The more I cuddled him and stared at his beautiful little face for hours, the more I noticed that one of his cheeks was just every-so-slightly "puffier" than the other. When family came to meet him, we passed him around and quickly reassured everyone that the skin tags were easily removed and that the spot in his eye was simply cosmetic and that we would look into it, but we sure thought he was cute regardless. I didn't mention to anyone about my observations with his cheeks at the start, for fear of sounding displeased or worried.
At 30 hours old, when we were prepared to be discharged home from the hospital, things took a turn in a different direction than we expected and our little bundle was life-flighted to a larger centre. This brought us out of our comfort zone and tossed recklessly about in the world of NICU. Our week there felt like spending months on little sleep and nutrition between specialists and tests.
Months followed with driving and appointments in different cities. Our little treasure from the Lord was put together in an unusual way. He had small pulmonary arteries, one growing in the wrong spot and wrapped around his trachea (LPA Sling), a trachea that was extremely under-sized and not going to grow (Long Segment Tracheal Stenosis), small bronchi on one side, multiple small spleens instead of one (Asplinia), a wedge-shaped vertebrae at the top of his spine (Hemi-vertebrae C1) along with other congenital abnormalities and a diagnosis of Goldenhar Syndrom which involves an under-sized half side of the face. Wow. The list seemed enormous....
...But God, YOU formed his inward parts! YOU knit Him together!...is this what God wanted? Did He mean for this to happen?
I spent a few hours at different times talking with my grandmother on the phone. I have an aunt with Downs syndrome, and my Grandmother took her time in talking to me about her experience:
"...You know when I had my little one with downs, it was hard. I was convinced, at first, that God had given this baby to me so that He could perform a miracle for the doctors to see. I prayed faithfully and told God that I knew He would heal her and truly believed that it was sure to happen - I was even excited for it!
Then, one day, when my baby was four months old, I started to ask God, 'Why haven't you healed her yet?' I opened my Bible to Mark 1 and in it I read about a leper that Jesus healed: '40And a leper came to Jesus, beseeching Him and falling on his knees before Him, and saying, "If You are willing, You can make me clean."41Moved with compassion, Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him, and said to him, "I am willing; be cleansed." All of a sudden it was clear to me what God was trying to say. The leper did not turn to Jesus and say 'You are going to heal me - I believe it', rather, he was humble and asked 'if You are williing, You can...'
Afterwards I knew that God wanted me to ask Him, but realize that He is in control and always knows best and has a plan, no matter what happens"
My Grandmother's words impacted me a great deal. It is not my job to demand from God what I think is best. He sees what is best and He is the only one that has the big picture.
And I realized that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose! (Romans 8:28)
Who is to say that what the world says is correct is automatically "good" or "perfect" anyways? God, Your perfect plan has always entailed imperfect people.
We spent all of the month of December and almost half of January in a University Hospital to have surgery done to reimplement his artery in the correct place and reconstruct his trachea. We found out that the bump on his eye is greatly effecting its development and will need glasses, patch therapy, and eventual surgery for that as well. All through our time there, it seemed that those around us took note of our calmness and cool-headedness (if that's a word)....**this was SOOO totally not strength of our own, but definitely a strength from God and peace that was beyond understanding!**
The verse that kept on coming to my mind almost daily was 1 Peter 1:6 & 7:
6In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials,7so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ
This verse was hope for me that all this was serving a purpose! He COULD HAVE healed my baby by instant miracle, but somehow he knew that these trials would bring US to a place of demonstrating faith and would give Him an opportunity to use us and our testimony of how He was SO faithful in order to glorify and praise Christ! Praise Christ indeed!
So what of our little man? He is doing well. He's recovering from surgery and giving our home much joy from his smiles and much rejoicing to have him with us. There is still a plan for the medical journey up ahead (I say "a plan"....just in case God decides it's time for something miraculous - I don't doubt that He is ABLE!) and we are taking this journey step-by-step.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
I often feel that this verse in mis-interpreted because it is often put in the context of this earthly life. God knows the plans He has for our son - He already has his day appointed! (Job 14:5) God has GOOD plans, and not bad ones to give my son a future and a hope...but a future and a hope ETERNAL. Though having my baby boy would be worth more than anything I posses, I know that it is life with Jesus that is the most important thing that I could ever hope for.
Psalm 139:13&14
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
I can now ponder this scripture and wonder AT its truth - stand in awe of it. I know my Lord put my son together like He did for a reason. I know every medical appointment is an opportunity that God has created for His work in our lives and in others.
Lord, I'm SO excited to look back in the years to come (or maybe it won't be until glory) and see what all You had in store for these events and what Your plans are for my baby boy.
